Lost at Sea

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Uncomfortable in my own skin, hiding in my baggiest clothes that no longer fit me, sick all the time, drawn in and hiding, pushing to get from day to day, I was my own worst critic and I not so silently battled how I was feeling every day. I lashed out, and was short tempered. I never wanted to do anything and was much happier under the cloak of my comforter.

It should have been like that! I was a 20 year old mostly newly wed who found herself at her heaviest and unhealthiest to date. I had let the stress of life and everything that came with it get the best of me, and there wasn’t much of me left. My hubby was briefly unemployed then working what ever kind of job he could find, even if it meant working 3rd shift, then 3rd shift in a different state, then 70 hrs a week in a high intensity factory. We never saw each other. I was working while attending college full time and trying to navigate the purchase of our first home as we lived in a 3bd/2ba house with four other people. It wasn’t how I pictured my ‘happily ever after’ and I stress ate my feelings. Hoping somewhere in the pile of junk and hours of mindless television I’d find solace, even if just for a moment.

Well I didn’t find it. In fact what I found was myself hiding in my biggest clothes until even those stopped fitting, I was constantly sick and had zero energy, I stopped wanting to do anything, I hid from the camera and avoided all new experiences. I thought my ‘funk’ I was in was all mental, a product of being a newlywed in a new town fighting for the ‘proper’ new beginning I had in my head. But when I found myself at the doctor for easily the 11th time since moving (12 months beforehand) and their scale read 37 lbs heavier than the weight I was on my wedding day, not even a year and a half later, I wanted to ugly cry. Add in getting fussed at over my blood pressure, nutrition and water intake and I felt like the victim. I was mad at my doctor and over the next few weeks I sort of listened. I spent less time on my bum, I ate a few less fries and tried to get moving. But I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know how to fix it and gave up.

It wasn’t until I realized that I had done this to myself, that I was responsible for the way I felt that I could fix it, but how? My whole life I’ve been a quitter: gymnastics, dance, girl scouts, soccer, softball, world language club, heck even college. Why? because it gets a little hard and I take the easy way out. No wonder I ended up so miserable! My ENTIRE life I have been called ‘weak’ or ‘little’ and somewhere along the way I let that sink in to my subconscious and started to believe it. Only now not only was I lacking strength, but I also wasn’t the ‘little’ part anymore. An adjective that used to irritate me beyond all get out was now something that I longed to be true.

I decided to stop being a ‘once in a while kind of person’, I needed to go all in if I was going to see a change. I needed to do this for my health and the health of my marriage. I had no idea what I was doing and I needed a plan. I started with Insanity, have and dabbled in T25, 21 Day Fix and PiYo losing 25 lbs. I have developed a love for running and have done multiple 5Ks, an 8K and a half marathon.

It wasn’t until I started doing things I thought I couldn’t that I realized just how strong I can be. I’m in this business for the days when my strength fails me and the self doubt rears it’s ugly head, I’m here for the support along the way and to have the connection with someone else so that we can push each other to be stronger than we’ve ever been mentally and physically.

It has been a back and forth battle, one I fight in everyday.

I will be starting BodyBeast tomorrow.

I’ve got new adjectives in mind, ‘fit’, ‘strong’, ‘confident’, ‘finisher’.

…and oh by the way, I’m still fighting to complete program beginning to end with no skips or cheats. I still have to remind myself that mini red velvet cupcakes aren’t the answer to my problems. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like I used to and literally have to mentally tell myself to shut up.

I’m not perfect, I don’t claim to be.

This is my journey and I’m finally the one steering the boat.

The Making of a Kingdom

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We have a once car garage. Yet neither of our cars get to call it home. If you’re wondering where all those OCD forest animals put all the dust, cardboard, tools and outdated appliances it was in my dark dusty dungeon of a garage. What’s that you say? There weren’t circa 1962 appliances in fairy tales and Disney movies? Oh well someone should kindly tell them that, because I am lacking in the singing princess department they refuse to relocate it all to someone else’s dungeon, trust me I tried that angle.

So with the animals on strike I was left with a big dungeon full of cardboard trolls, all the tools the dwarfs didn’t want to carry and enough odds and ends to keep Templeton happily rummaging for days. If I wanted a little more sparkle in my life I was going to have to enlist the help of my Prince so for four and a half hours we cleaned out that dingy dungeon and when most of the mess those forest creatures left behind was gone we started putting it all back! You see in the almost two years we’ve been inhabiting our early1960’s estate, those creatures did drop off some useful things too. We finally had the space to assemble the pile of shelves in the corners, and with the shelves in place the dwarf’s tools now had a set place to be. we freed the cardboard trolls and last I saw they were hanging around until their chariot arrives on Thursday.

Under all the rubble we discovered the pile of Knight Training gear we had been keeping under lock and key. With the dungeon clearing up there was finally the space to set everything up and have it accessible not just in the pinch before the battle, but year round! We were able to put together our Kingdom of Sweat-Sylvania (<~ see what I did there (;) for less than $100.00. We purchased a $20 6×5 non slip rug, $20 weight set, 2 adjustable weight benches $24.96 each and $6.96 DVD player ( I ❤ GOODWILL). Everything else we already had.

We busted our butts putting together our training facilities. I’m so excited to get out there and build up some muscles and sparkle daily. I know my Prince is excited to be able to spend more time in his throne surveying the subjects and commanding the armies undisturbed anyways. (;

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Our Training Facility Currently Has:

  • Multi-function Weight Machine
  •  2 Adjustable Incline Benches*
  • Dumb Bells
  •  Free Weights *
  •  Curl Bar
  • Squat Bar
  • resistance bands
  • Punching Bag and Gloves
  • Mirrors
  • TV
  • DVD Player*
  • Stability Ball
  • Chin-up Bar
  •  Fans
  •  Fridge for Waters
  •  Cabinet for Storage
  •  Large Whiteboard to keep on Track

Coming Soon….

  • Speed Bag (need hardware to hang it)
  • Jump Mats*
  •  Better Lighting *

*purchased after began transforming from dungeon to training facility

The best part about this recent development of our estate?

Despite my lack of princess qualifications, I get to make my own happy ending.

“No one is going to save you, be the hero of your own life.”

Fun little addition to this post….

I have since gotten my ‘anti-workout’ prince to join me! (:

 

A New Kind of Currency

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Sometimes I seriously lack the motivation to workout. There I said it, I’m human too!

I love a good workout and the way I feel afterwards so much so  that sometimes I go a little crazy and do a bunch all at once and feel amazing! Other times I’m laying in bed thinking so loud the only way to drown out the freight train in my head is to distract the conductor and hop on a more rigorous track. But sometimes, for days on end, I can’t seem to convince myself to buy a ticket, let alone walk out of the station onto that platform and board the train.

I need a motivator. Something that works just for me, we all have something that will push us whether it be a new tattoo when we reach our goal weight, awesome new gear for finishing a program or a new pair of kicks for staying consistent and racking up the miles.

My struggle is consistency, too many excuses for not making it to the ticket counter. My end to all the missed cab rides, traffic jams and getting lost in the terminal?

Funding a dream trip.

It’s pretty high up on my bucket list to visit New Orleans, even higher to see the Saints play in the Superdome. So what better way to have a multipurpose journey than to combine the two?

I don’t want lighter luggage, I want it to be stronger and more durable. Every time I leave the station and hop on that rigorous track, I’ll be paying the conductor by adding a dollar to my NOLA 2016 JAR.

wpid-photogrid_1406301946648.jpgBecause sometimes the conductor needs a little push to get the wheels moving on the track. After all, you’ll never reach your destination if you can’t leave the station you’re at.

There is no telling how far you will go chasing a dream. But can you imagine how great it will feel when you get there.