Ready for Baby?!?

Standard

It’s no secret that I want to be a Mom. In fact my entire life I can’t think of ONE thing I wanted to be more than a Mom, not one. I married my high school sweet heart, I got my degree, we moved away, adopted a fur baby, bought a house, adopted another fur baby, I went back to school, quit school because it was making us broke and went back to work full time. And you know what? In the middle of all that, what my heart wanted never changed. My heart still aches every time yet another friend announces they’re expecting, my news feed and grocery store visits are filled with Mommies to Be and infants galore (thank you, multi-branch military town!) and here I sit with those extra bedrooms that have yet to be filled with toys and laughter, my ovaries kick it into high gear when I see or smell a baby…you may laugh, but it’s a thing I promise.

We’ve been saying, oh when XYZ happens then we can start a family. For a long time it was when we had a place of our own, well when I finish school, well when my husband has a steady income, well we don’t have insurance and having babies is expensive, well when I have a career that I’ve settled into and can bring home so I don’t have to miss so much of our kids’ lives, when I can find someone I trust to keep the kids, when pigs fly, when the moon falls out of the sky, when we can take a trip to the moon, when we can teleport to California rather than fly…okay well maybe not that extreme, but you get the picture. I was depressed, and frustrated and it showed in our marriage and the way we handled things.

Some of those things were logical, some of them made sense at the time and some of them seem completely irrational to me now.

Why?

Well because to be honest, those were great milestones and goals to have but we didn’t have a real plan to reach them, any of them. As much as I pride myself on being a planner, we in no way made a plan to achieve those goals….so really we in no way were truly working to create the life for the family we wanted.

What’s different today?

Today, we not only KNOW what we want (in very fine detail, might I add) we also have a PLAN of action and a TIMELINE in which we want to complete it all. The trials of being beyond paycheck to paycheck, of being sick all the time, of the heartbreaking news we didn’t want to hear, and of sticking it out through all the pain has us coming out on the other side with determination to change our fate and the kind of marriage you see in short bursts with an overlay of music on movie screens. I’d like to think that the hard times made me better, made us better, and has made us more appreciative of all that we have and all that we receive.

It has us making lists, setting goals and putting our plan into action.

So rather than a “someday, maybe, when” mentality we have a 2 year baby plan (that we’re both privy to) that allows us to enjoy our time together, finish our home renovations piece by piece and build the life that works best for us. To the best of our abilities, we’re planning for baby….with a Total Money Makeover, a renovation checklist and a “Before Baby” bucket list.

So what should we add to our list? What things do you wish you had done before you had kids? Or at least something you miss the most so we know to savor it while we can?

We’ve been quiet about our pain for too long, and I for one am tired of suffering in silence.

So it’s time I started asking questions, talking to more than just my journal and making a little noise, after all that’s what the end game is anyways right? A noisy house full of love, laughter and tears.

Lost at Sea

Standard

Uncomfortable in my own skin, hiding in my baggiest clothes that no longer fit me, sick all the time, drawn in and hiding, pushing to get from day to day, I was my own worst critic and I not so silently battled how I was feeling every day. I lashed out, and was short tempered. I never wanted to do anything and was much happier under the cloak of my comforter.

It should have been like that! I was a 20 year old mostly newly wed who found herself at her heaviest and unhealthiest to date. I had let the stress of life and everything that came with it get the best of me, and there wasn’t much of me left. My hubby was briefly unemployed then working what ever kind of job he could find, even if it meant working 3rd shift, then 3rd shift in a different state, then 70 hrs a week in a high intensity factory. We never saw each other. I was working while attending college full time and trying to navigate the purchase of our first home as we lived in a 3bd/2ba house with four other people. It wasn’t how I pictured my ‘happily ever after’ and I stress ate my feelings. Hoping somewhere in the pile of junk and hours of mindless television I’d find solace, even if just for a moment.

Well I didn’t find it. In fact what I found was myself hiding in my biggest clothes until even those stopped fitting, I was constantly sick and had zero energy, I stopped wanting to do anything, I hid from the camera and avoided all new experiences. I thought my ‘funk’ I was in was all mental, a product of being a newlywed in a new town fighting for the ‘proper’ new beginning I had in my head. But when I found myself at the doctor for easily the 11th time since moving (12 months beforehand) and their scale read 37 lbs heavier than the weight I was on my wedding day, not even a year and a half later, I wanted to ugly cry. Add in getting fussed at over my blood pressure, nutrition and water intake and I felt like the victim. I was mad at my doctor and over the next few weeks I sort of listened. I spent less time on my bum, I ate a few less fries and tried to get moving. But I didn’t know what I was doing, didn’t know how to fix it and gave up.

It wasn’t until I realized that I had done this to myself, that I was responsible for the way I felt that I could fix it, but how? My whole life I’ve been a quitter: gymnastics, dance, girl scouts, soccer, softball, world language club, heck even college. Why? because it gets a little hard and I take the easy way out. No wonder I ended up so miserable! My ENTIRE life I have been called ‘weak’ or ‘little’ and somewhere along the way I let that sink in to my subconscious and started to believe it. Only now not only was I lacking strength, but I also wasn’t the ‘little’ part anymore. An adjective that used to irritate me beyond all get out was now something that I longed to be true.

I decided to stop being a ‘once in a while kind of person’, I needed to go all in if I was going to see a change. I needed to do this for my health and the health of my marriage. I had no idea what I was doing and I needed a plan. I started with Insanity, have and dabbled in T25, 21 Day Fix and PiYo losing 25 lbs. I have developed a love for running and have done multiple 5Ks, an 8K and a half marathon.

It wasn’t until I started doing things I thought I couldn’t that I realized just how strong I can be. I’m in this business for the days when my strength fails me and the self doubt rears it’s ugly head, I’m here for the support along the way and to have the connection with someone else so that we can push each other to be stronger than we’ve ever been mentally and physically.

It has been a back and forth battle, one I fight in everyday.

I will be starting BodyBeast tomorrow.

I’ve got new adjectives in mind, ‘fit’, ‘strong’, ‘confident’, ‘finisher’.

…and oh by the way, I’m still fighting to complete program beginning to end with no skips or cheats. I still have to remind myself that mini red velvet cupcakes aren’t the answer to my problems. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like I used to and literally have to mentally tell myself to shut up.

I’m not perfect, I don’t claim to be.

This is my journey and I’m finally the one steering the boat.

Why “Unobscured”?

Standard
For many of us the lack of exercise and healthy nutrition has lead us to be uncomfortable in our own skin; add on the complication of health issues and it puts us in this dark place where we want to hide under a rock, at least that’s how it was for me.
The concept of “Spreading Your Light” really speaks to my heart because I found myself hiding, I was frustrated and lost and felt myself falling deeper into a hole everyday, that is until I found a beacon of light that helped me climb my way out of that hole.
Changing my health and fitness has helped me shine on through all the things that used to dull my personality and appreciation fo life, now I can enjoy life’s simple pleasures and find the joy in even the hard times completely ‘unobscured.’
I want nothing more than to toss the climbing gear to other people who are stuck in the bottom of that hole. I want to shine the light that will allow them to climb out of that hole and be able to live their life ‘unobscured.’
I love the person I am becoming because I’ve had to work hard to be where I am. This pride and self-confidence is too wonderful not to share and honestly my life isn’t always so ‘unobscured’, I’m the kind of girl who needs to write out what I’m feeling or thinking I’ve kept journals and done tidbits of tips for cooking, crafts and random funnies on various platforms. I’ve decided to compile them all here for your reading pleasure, thanks for stopping by y’all.